Every once in a while, cleaning doesn't totally suck. For example, today I was sorting through a bag of mostly garbage I've hauled around with me through every move since college. And I came across a fun little memory of my days as co-editor of the Joliet Junior College newspaper, the Blazer: a page of horoscopes I wrote out of boredom, inspired in part I'm sure by the Weird Al song of silly horoscopes that appears on his Running With Scissors album.
And if any of these come true, I still don't want to be one of those creepy pre-cogs if the future is Minority Report... just sayin'.
Aries
Don't listen to your friends. The albino gymnast you met last week is perfect for you.
Taurus
You should really consider challenging the world record for longest toenails.
Gemini
Give in to the urge to shave your eyebrows. What can it hurt?
Cancer
Now would be a great time to try squid-flavored llama cheese.
Leo
No matter how bad life is, it can always get worse. Remember that when you're getting chased by a rabid wildebeest this week.
Virgo
Avoid contact with any solids, liquids or gases til allergy season is over.
Libra
By this time tomorrow, you will know for certian that the boogieman is real.
Scorpio
Start a new trend by accenting every outfit with a big yellow snorkel.
Sagittarius
Your lifelong dream of spontaneously combusting is about to come true.
Capricorn
Spend the rest of the week pretending to be a dinosaur. If anyone questions you, explain that you're conducting a sociology experiment.
Aquarius
A mysterious illness will overtake you, and the only way to cure it is by bathing precisely 53 times a day for the next year.
Pisces
The next time you climb up to a precarious perch to reach something on the top shelf, you will cause an avalanche resulting in the birth of a new species on the planet Jupiter.
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